10 funny graduation quotes to celebrate commencements

As eager high school and college seniors don mortarboard caps and glossy gowns for their parades across commencement podiums, families and friends seek memorable comments to enclose with graduation greetings, gifts, gift cards, and other mementos. What funny graduation quotes might be cited on such a celebratory occasion?

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Here are some favorite commencement quips, arranged alphabetically by speaker (or writer).

“A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.”

W.H.Auden (1907 – 1973)

W.H. Auden, the prolific British poet with the Saharan wit, aimed this graduation quote at college and university faculty. Still, his statement might ring true among high school graduates as well. As students reflect on their academic careers, this statement would surely bring both fond and soporific memories. After all, what graduating senior hasn’t dozed off in Medieval Literature, Neoclassical Philosophy or Advanced Calculus class?

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."

 Milton Berle (1908 – 2002)

Milton Berle, fondly known as “Mister Television” and “Uncle Miltie,” was a mainstay of early television, particularly in the 1950s. Berle somewhat sardonically stated a solid truth of self-made success. Opportunity does not always arrive unprompted. Instead, as his graduation quotation points out, young adults may have to carve out their own paths after commencement.

“Graduation day is tough for adults.  They go to the ceremony as parents.  They come home as contemporaries.  After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.”

Erma Bombeck (1927 – 1996)

A beloved American humorist, Erma Bombeck faithfully offered comic relief on practical topics, particularly parenting. In this graduation quote, Bombeck points to mothers and fathers of graduates. As young adults embark upon life after schooling, parents may find their own roles changing dramatically. Hopefully, their graduating offspring will soon be transformed from dependents to independent adults. If this occurs, these young adults will become employed, thus working their parents out of a job (as parents).

“To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the ‘C’ students, I say you too may one day be President of the United States.”

George W. Bush (1946 -      )

As the 43^rd President of the United States, George W. Bush clearly knows firsthand what it takes to aspire to the highest political office in America. Bush, known to many as “Dubya,” has always enjoyed poking fun at himself. This graduation quotation, uttered during a 2001 commencement address at Yale University (his own alma mater), satirizes the oft-told American dream promise that any child in American has the potential to grow up to become President.

Johnny Carson, the former late-night talk show host, put his own spin on this. “Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be President, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be Vice President," he said.

President Bush humorously affirmed Yale graduates with his congratulations for the highest achievers and his encouragement of the more average students. Still, at a highly competitive school like Yale, is anyone really an average student?

“Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”

Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

Sir Winston Churchill was a British statesman and prime minister, who led Great Britain and the globe through World War II. Churchill’s statement on success is an ideal graduation quotation, while also somewhat comical. Graduating students often seem to sense their own unlimited potential, as they embark on professional life after completing their schooling. Still, failures and setbacks are inevitable, eventually Churchill makes light of failures, in a sense, while pointing out how true achievement comes through maintaining personal motivation through such times.

“Education is what remains when one has forgotten everything he learned in school.”

Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Albert Einstein, the renowned 20^th Century German physicist, is credited with developing the theory of relativity. He won the Nobel Prize for Physics in 1921. This Einstein quote is humorous, but also appropriate for graduates, as it brings the lofty ideals of education down to earth.

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. 

Theodore Roosevelt (1858 – 1919)

Teddy Roosevelt was the 26^th President of the United States. The Nobel Peace Prize winner, known for “speaking softly and carrying a big stick,” was widely respected worldwide for diplomacy, leadership and conservationism. In this graduation quote, Roosevelt satirically highlighted the power of an education. According to Roosevelt, an individual with training and schooling may carve out a more powerful professional position than one without. Still, the quipping President tinged this truth with the possibility that even a quality education may not dictate true human values and integrity.

Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated. 

Garry Trudeau (1948 -      )

This American cartoonist and playwright, best known for his Doonesbury comic strip, received the Pulitzer Prize in 1975 for editorial cartooning. Trudeau’s humorous commencement comment implies that commencement speakers generally bore audiences with platitudes and philosophizing. By doing so, New Yorker Trudeau insists (in his graduation quote), such orators basically anesthetize their listeners. Trudeau graduated from Yale University with a bachelor of arts (BA) and a master of fine arts (MFA), so he has had personal experience in lengthy commencement speeches.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

Mark Twain (1835 – 1910)

Mark Twain (actually Samuel L. Clemens) once shocked academics with his fictional work and his slang vocabulary, in particular. Twain’s declaration contrasts schooling and education. This graduation quote is both pithy and humorous, as it contains an important truth about lifelong learning. For a true student, education does not end with graduation. Inquisitive minds seek learning constantly, both in and out of school.

The tassel's worth the hassle! 

Author Unknown

This graduation quote, which appears on everything from tee shirts to bumper stickers to commencement party invitations, comes from an unknown author. Still, it merits mention, even for its memorability.

Ask any graduating senior, from kindergarten to college, what it took to get to the commencement ceremony. Such a question may unleash a lengthy monologue about academic assignments, class participation, and extra effort. The tassel (a graduate’s keepsake from the mortarboard commencement cap), is well worth the hard work and headaches that preceded the momentous occasion of graduation. At the same time, these festivities may merit a healthy dose of good humor as well.

Image/s:

Title graphic adapted from public domain image.

Quiz results artwork – from online quiz (fair use)

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Ever work on Thanksgiving?

Did you ever have to work on Thanksgiving? Did you miss the feast, or simply scurry away immediately afterwards?

Emergency response professionals, police officers, hospital workers, utility experts, and others routinely work on holidays, keeping daily life running for the rest of us. Pizza deliverers, gas station attendants, and lots of fast food workers don’t skip for the day, either.

What about retail?

Plenty of people are complaining about popular stores that are opening on Thanksgiving Day (or Thanksgiving night) to get a jump on the Black Friday shopping frenzy. Some even call for customers to boycott major retailers that expect their employees to report to work on this family-focused holiday.

Sure, we understand that lots of these employers offer holiday/overtime pay (or bonuses) for those who punch in on Thanksgiving. And lots of workers seem to say they are willing to forgo dishwasher duties at home (or at Grandma’s house) and head off to their jobs instead. Scores of sales clerks, cashiers, and stockroom staffers will work through the night, keeping customers happy and store shelves filled for the Black Friday stretch.

Like it or not, maybe we all have to face the fact that Thanksgiving duty is becoming a norm for retail staffs. 

But how about corporate 9-to-5’ers?

Should business professionals and office workers be called in on Thanksgiving?

Here’s an example. Not so many years ago, I was working as a public relations executive for a large Midwest manufacturing company. Part of my responsibilities included writing speeches for the chief executive officer, who was (Gotta say it.) a bit of a blowhard. OK, he was a real turkey.

The guy called me at home on Thanksgiving morning and demanded that I show up at the office to work through a section of his upcoming presentation for the board of directors. The meeting was still two weeks out.

Is he kidding? I thought.

I spent a more than a few holiday hours, tweaking phrases and editing visuals (with the graphics pros, who were also tagged for the day). Then I dashed off to my in-laws’ for some cold turkey and more than one cold shoulder. And, as a salaried employee, I received no benefit from the effort, except meeting one more unrealistic expectation from the boorish boss.

Is holiday work a fair demand? Maybe it depends on the job. In the very least, perhaps it ought to be spelled out ahead of time, if it is to be required.

Image/s:

Adapted from public domain image.

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10 tips for de-stressing public speaking

Are you glossophobic? That’s the fear of speaking in front of an audience, and scores of people have it. Call it stage fright or social anxiety, if you will. Glossophobia is a genuine concern for countless individuals, and this fear can be a serious stumbling block for career professionals.

How can you overcome a fear of public speaking?

Try these 10 tips for stress-free delivery of presentations before groups. Who knows? You might just discover your own freedom of speech.

1. Play to the mirror first.

Practice is essential, so why not start with a friendly listener? Start small. Talk to the mirror before you meet the microphone. Watch your facial expressions, and test your timing.

Like singing in the shower, lecturing the looking glass is an excellent exercise to eliminate stage fright.

2. Rehearse with a trusted audience.

 

Next, enlist a few confidantes to listen to your lecture. Gather a couple of friends or family members in a comfortable spot to hear your dry run.

3. Memorize your introduction.

The least stressed public speakers are always well prepared. Write out your speech. Transfer it to an outline, and commit the first few lines to memory. Once you get those out, you will be rolling.

4. Get plenty of rest.

Fatigue exacerbates nervousness, particularly for glossophobic individuals. Be deliberate about resting up as much as possible the night before your speech. Fresh and energized, you will be best able to pull it off with poise.

5. Dress for confidence.

Fussy clothing makes public speaking more nerve-wracking than it has to be. Skip jangling bangle bracelets, wiggling watches and other annoying accessories. Wear a tried and true outfit that makes you feel professional.

6. Carry an outline.

Although corporate executives, politicians and celebrities often deliver speeches from full manuscripts or teleprompters, many speakers prefer to work from basic outlines or index cards. Print content clearly in a large font. Don’t forget your reading glasses, if you need them.

7. Make your nerves an ally.

A little stage fright can actually be a bonus, if the audience perceives it as animation or enthusiasm. Seasoned speakers learn to channel those upfront nerves into an energetic asset.

8. Don’t picture people unclothed.

An old wives’ tale insisted nervous orators could banish their fears by imagining their audiences were naked. Has this ever worked for any scared speaker? Such pornographic ponderings probably precipitated more blushing, rather than calm demeanors.

Here’s a better approach. Focus on your content, rather than the audience’s apparel or imagined lack of it.

9. Pick visual foci.

In fact, many public speaking fears can be minimized when presenters simply look over listeners’ heads. Select a spot on the far wall, and glance there as often as possible.

Veteran speakers excel at eye contact, choosing key audience members for nods and glances. But nervous novices may do better to look more generally and avoid faces, if this improves their comfort levels while speaking.

10. Avoid over-thinking your presentation.

Giving a public speech is a necessary skill in many career endeavors and even in extra-curricular, church or community involvements. You may be tapped to make a toast at a wedding or a coworker’s retirement party. Perhaps you will be asked to deliver a eulogy for a friend or family member someday. Maybe you will join a committee or become a board member and be called upon to present a proposal.

Read: Wedding hospitality: 10 tips for making terrific toasts

It’s not a talent show, so it’s important to keep from over-analyzing the process. Too many mind games can only add to your stress, if you are already nervous about taking the podium.

Just take a deep breath, and go ahead. Try to speak in a low and confident tone with a tempo that feels considerably slower than conversational. Anxious public speakers naturally speed up, so you may be surprised how quickly you finish your presentation.

Look up, smile proudly and tuck those notes away. You did it.

Image/s:

Adapted from public domain artwork

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